How You Are Silently Signaling Your Co-workers to Treat You
Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy on May 18th 2008
It could be a look or how you walk into a room. Your co-workers have been trained to recognize these signals and treat you accordingly. We learn these social cues at a young age.
It’s hard to break these habits. We can’t walk around with a friend who is willing to hold a giant mirror so we can see how we look in every situation.
What can I do? I want my co-workers to like me and treat me with respect.
I used two easy tricks that worked well for me. I was not a naturally outgoing person who wanted to enter the room with a bang. You may be shy too, but you can learn to adjust your body signals so people like and respect you. You’ll be giving me silent thanks when your co-workers start smiling when you walk in the room.
If you want everyone to like you then…
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Treat Everyone Like Family
The best way to be liked is to like others. I know that we’ve all heard this, but it’s true. When you walk into the room think of them as family and know that they love you even if they don’t show it.
When I stopped worrying about what people at work thought of me, I just treated everyone like they were a brother or sister. If they did something stupid I laughed. If I did something stupid I laughed at myself. Family is meant to share in misery and victory. So allow these people into your life. You don’t need to tell them about your latest ailment and what the doctor is doing for you, but share your feelings with them. How to Get Your Boss Naked explains how to open up the emotional barrier that will bring you closer. This works for co-workers too.
Make sure you start slowly when you become friendlier to your co-workers. The best way is not to start right off talking about yourself, but listening to them. People want to be around great listeners because they can do all the talking. You’ve noticed how most people just want to tell you about their lives. Let them do it, and the next time you see them ask how their son, daughter or whatever they talked about was doing. You’ve just made a friend for life.
Getting people to like you is not that hard. Make sure that they know you like them first. People don’t want to put themselves out there and get burned, but now you know better. The only way to make friends is to give 60% and only expect 40% back. This works in any relationship whether it be personal or business related.
By treating everyone as family, your body signals should change. When you love someone you are more confident and willing to approach them. You aren’t afraid of what they think because you have the family connection.
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Retrain How They View You
I’m a man of average height: 5’ 10” with shoes on. I have soft brown eyes and a pleasant demeanor. This doesn’t command respect in most organizations, so I have to work for it.
You can retrain how a person views your body signals by showing them how you want to be treated. This is hard for the shy person because it means you have to be assertive. It’s very simple. If you walk into a room and someone tries to intimidate you with a loud voice, you do your best to mirror their response. Easy to write, but hard to implement.
You can practice this by actually having a work shop at home with friends and family. A workshop at home? Are you crazy? Well, if you want to put it that way then yes. I want you to practice with people that you trust. Try to explain what is happening at work and roleplay with them until you have it down. Then when you go into work try relaxing and just having fun with the person as you respond back. See above Treat Everyone Like Family to take on this mindset.
The world often will laugh with you if you are laughing. Most people want you to reciprocate the greeting that they’ve given you. If they are excited to see you then let them know you appreciate it with an excited greeting back. This will gain you respect because it shows that you aren’t afraid of that person. We are still animals and people can sense fear by the way you position your body. So by mimicking their reaction you are telling them that you belong on their level.
I had trouble with bullying at work a few years ago. The group picking on me wouldn’t have called it bullying, but it was and it bothered me. They made fun of me, in a little brother way. Laughing at my clothes or a comment I made. I would get upset and just wait for them to get tired and stop teasing me. One time I blew up and let them know that they were going too far. They stopped for a little while, but eventually their old habits came back, so I tried a new tactic. I began to laugh with them, joining in on making fun of me. I never put myself down, but was always willing to laugh at myself. They understood this type of behavior and began treating me as a friend. You can’t take things too personally at work, otherwise your thin skin will bleed, not literally but figuratively. You’ll slowly get angrier and work will only get worse.
Please don’t try to change your personality. You need to be you, but following the social rules at your work will help you get the respect that you need.
Love and Respect at Work
You deserve to have a great working environment and I will write about design, managers, and great companies, but one of the greatest skills you can learn is to enhance your emotional intelligence. People with a high EQ are the ones that make friends and enjoy their job.
Improving your EQ is easy when you take baby steps. Most people don’t come out of college with a high EQ, it’s something they slowly develop through the years. Next time you feel like you aren’t getting the love and respect that you deserve, try to give them the love that they need or use the mirroring technique. Your EQ will jump a few points, making working life just a little more enjoyable.
What is your greatest emotional strength? Mine would probably be the ability to see situations from multiple angles. Responding to this question is not about being conceded; it’s about understanding who you are at work and how to maximize your potential. So let us know what makes you good at what you do.
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Filed in Communication, Emotional Tools for Better Working, Positive Thinking | 9 responses so far
chris May 18th 2008 at 06:59 pm 1
I find that if you exude confidence and a can do attitude at work, the rest will follow.
chris’s last blog post..How To Ask A Date For The Prom
The Work Happy Guy May 18th 2008 at 09:27 pm 2
Hey Chris, sometimes we just need to stick out our chins, do our best and forget about what everyone else thinks. I’ve noticed that when I do this most of my co-workers will follow my lead.
veronicaromm May 19th 2008 at 10:34 am 3
I like this list, but I am not convinced that one can retrain people to view you differently even if you implement the good suggestions here. Unfortunately people tend to be less forgiving and an attempt to change your relationships especially at work can appear false and garner more annoyance than anything. I know this is a bit cynical but I am a psychologist and have studied groups as well as Org. psych and my opinion is skewed by these. Plus I am having difficulty with the idea of having people like you, at work or just in life. You have to like you, your friends should as well as your family. Co-workers don’t and that is not your purpose in the office. You doing a good job consistantly is important at work, but expecting eveyone to like you in a competative work environment sets up diappointment. Thanks for sharing this and putting so much thought into it. I enjoyed reading it. Veronica
veronicaromm’s last blog post..Healing is the painful part.
The Work Happy Guy May 19th 2008 at 08:37 pm 4
Hey Veronica, thanks for your kind words. I try to put great thought into each post.
I understand how you may be skeptical about how one would retrain people to view you, but it is possible. I’ve seen it happen at a few jobs.
I also believe that it makes work easier when you have a good relationship with co-workers and supervisors. We may not want to admit it, but it’s not always the best person for the job that gets the promotion. Sometimes the person who gets along with everyone else gets the job. They might not perform quite as well, but pretty close. The other person may perform slightly better, but just doesn’t get along with their co-workers. The person who does a good job, although slightly inferior, but has a nice personality and is fun to have around will most likely get the promotion. I hate to admit it, but it’s the politics of working with a large group of people.
Teresa May 20th 2008 at 06:07 am 5
A contracted coworker of mine just got let go yesterday because he couldn’t get along with people. He THOUGHT he got along with everyone, but he also thought he knew everything, he was patronizing, and he acted like he was a supervisor. He was a hard worker and took initiative to make some needed changes, but that wasn’t good enough to keep him. Granted, he was a contract worker and therefore the company could let him go without even really giving a reason.
The Work Happy Guy May 20th 2008 at 06:45 am 6
Hey Teresa, it sounds like your co-worker could use a personality adjustment. Sometimes it’s tough for people to see how other people actually view them. That’s why we need to be able to pick up on these silent cues and adjust accordingly.
veronicaromm May 20th 2008 at 03:42 pm 7
Hey Work happy guy,
I failed to mention that I like your blog a lot, it is important information you are sharing. I wrote my comment from the devils advocate position, because logically I agree with you. So I hope it didn’t come of the wrong way. For Teresa, I feel like there are so many people who are simply not self aware and social cues are non-existant. Again, work should be merit based but if it is in a group situation the person loses out if they don’t pay closer attention. On the flip side i still read about and have experienced behavior such as bullying at work, and the bully (usually not the nicest person) maintains their power position through fear and knowledge that no one will likely stand up to them. It’s a tough issue and one that I know many employees grapple with to the detriment of their work performance, health and well being.
veronicaromm’s last blog post..Healing is the painful part.
The Work Happy Guy May 20th 2008 at 08:33 pm 8
Hey Veronica, I’m glad you came back to comment again. I like a person who enjoys being the devils advocate. I’m a fan of it during parties. It gets people talking and finding out new things that boring conversation doesn’t bring to the table.
I think you make a good point about bullying. I bet most people don’t report it, but it goes on a lot in the workplace. People like to throw their weight around. The funny thing is most people wouldn’t call it bullying, they are just “being themselves.” No matter how you label it, it’s not right. People do need to be aware of how their actions affect other people.
Cindy Jul 23rd 2008 at 08:58 pm 9
I Have this problem, I am very shy and sometimes people at work think of me as an outkast because I see the way they act and its really just the same as everyone else. They try to be what their not, IM not about that. I like to be an individual. All they do is talk madness about people at work. Nothing else. I am not judgemental just loveable. SO yes i’ll try it. Its very had to respected when your shy and you HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS AND BE TUFF ON CERTAIN PEOPLE.