Comments on: How You Are Silently Signaling Your Co-workers to Treat You

By: May2

May2 — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 15:16:15 +0000

I am going through a similar situation, I started a new job about 3 months ago, someone I worked with in the past and was very close to got me this job and works with me now. My first week one co-worker started treating me badly, I had been nothing but nice to this woman from day one, she was 8 months pregnant when I started so I tried to go out of my way and ask her if she needed me to get anything for her at the printer, fax, etc. I tried making conversation about her family and nothing, I would say good morning and she would completely ignore me….I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. But she is the nicest, sweetest woman to everyone else, including the girl who got me the job.
i thought about asking my friend, if she had any idea why this person didn’t like me but decided not to get her involved. Now, for the past few days my friend (who is not really a friend, just someone I have worked with in the past but had a decent relationship with) started treating me differently also. I will try to make conversation and she ignores me, she used to invite me to work functions and now they will talk about it in front of me and pretend I’m not there. It’s getting really difficult to work under these circumstances but I need this job! I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want to create drama at work, but I would love to know if I did something to this woman and how to better this situation.

By: T

Wed, 05 May 2010 07:41:02 +0000

Thanks so much for your advice. I will confront this person publicly when I have more “proof”. He is very insidious, all smiles and charm with everyone, except me, of course.We work in an environment with a lot of very young and impressionable people, flattery gets him everywhere. I have walked in on more than one conversation where he is telling everyone how awful it is to work with me (after telling them how great they are of course). In fact, the other day he thought I had left when I was actually in the washroom and when I walked out, got to witness him pretending to shoot himself in the head when asked how the day went working with me. I feel that he is “corralling” people- find a common denominator with co-workers that may annoy others and exploiting and embellishing it. (There are times where we are off site and have to work just the two of us). This kind of office gossip that “confirms” some negative opinions/stereotypes about me is really hard to battle out in the open, because of course no one else is going to admit to talking s**t about a co-worker. Not all bullys are in your face, steal your lunch money kind. There are those that attack, not by being loud or demanding, but telling embellished versions of situations, playing the victim, and using flattery and self promotion to make sure everyone is on “their side”. This is what I am dealing with. And I have no idea what to do!

By: Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy

Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy — Tue, 04 May 2010 01:51:40 +0000

Hi T, You got it right. You can’t mirror their negative behavior, but you can expose it and demand for it to stop. If it doesn’t stop be prepared to take action.

This technique usually requires a public display. This takes a lot of courage, but it works. When the person does this certain thing that gets to you. Stop the person in their tracks. Explain that you know what they are doing and you won’t tolerate it. Explain that you will take action that you don’t want to take, but you will if it continues.

Have a back-up plan ready. Maybe create a co-worker alliance that will help you confront her/him and show her/him that you and your co-workers will band together to bring her/him down.

Sure you can kill s/he with kindness, but we both know that a bully needs to be confronted.

If the abuse continues you can fight fire with fire, but you have to decide if you are willing to go that far. You may have to go to plan C and get out of the toxic environment.

By: T

Tue, 04 May 2010 00:11:17 +0000

Hello, I am learning a lot from reading other people’s posts, and thank everyone for sharing. I am having a situation at work where I am working with a co-worker who was a bully to me at another job, over five years ago. I have been working with this person again for about six months, but things seem to be sliding back into old patterns. This person knows what “got to me” last time, and is using it to sway other co-workers of mine. I am a stronger person now, but I don’t see how “miirroring” behavior will help- if you want this to improve a situation, I am assuming that you mean to mirror positive body language and actions. If someone is looking at you like you are going to steal their first born- probably not a good idea to mirror back that facial expression or body language. Any tips on how to handle this besides “kill’em with kindness?”

By: Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy

Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:37:56 +0000

Hi Doris, It’s hard to treat someone like family when they act like a jerk. I will say that I had to take a hardline on some of my family members, actually yelling at them because they were acted like a spoiled brat.

Sometimes we need to express our emotions, so people know that how they are treating us is wrong. By showing them your anger you were signaling to them that you deserved better treatment. Good for you.

By: Doris

Doris — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:26:55 +0000

Some people don’t deserve to be treated like family. I have a coworker who, no matter how nice i am with her, she will gossip about me. I wonder if you behave more aggresively, people will treat you with more respect. I think it works, because usually I am an understanding person, so people think they can walk all over me. So today some collegues made me angry, and for the first time i became visibly angry and I actually say it. and these people were shocked and they apologize for the first time.

By: Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy

Karl Staib - The Work Happy Guy — Sat, 02 May 2009 15:25:27 +0000

Hi Jane, I feel your pain. I’m a shy person at heart. I’m afraid of all kinds of people and situations, but I’ve learned that this is the stuff I need the most. I need to be pushed to be outgoing.

The first thing you need to do is try to make your present situation better. I always thought a change of jobs would help me. The thing is I kept falling back into the same problems.

It seems like you are a good problem solver. Try to find small ways to improve on what you are good at. That means volunteering for work that fits with your strengths. Hopefully your co-workers will respect the quality work that you are doing. If they don’t then you at least know in your own heart that you are doing good work.

While trying to improve your present situation keep looking for a new job. There are a lot of jobs that allow you to work from home, i.e. – virtual assistant, call center, computer programming, etc. The reality is, you can’t be an island. You will still have to interact with people, so building up your social skills will help you wherever you go.

Life is a myriad of puzzles. This puzzle is one that you are just going to have to dive into and find some solutions. I know you can make your working life better. It’s why I started Work Happy Now. I wanted to make my working life more enjoyable.

Remember that it all starts with you. You have to take 100% responsibility for your happiness. No one can make you happy. They can only assist in helping you become happier.

Work relationships are never easy, but just keep trying new tactics and eventually you’ll find solutions that work for you.

Please keep me updated. Everyone deserves to enjoy what they do to earn a living.

By: Jane

Jane — Sat, 02 May 2009 04:07:24 +0000

Ever since I was a kid, people have considered me to be “weird.” I have a very hard time connecting with people. The reality is that I love being alone. I love to write and read–watch birds…stare at the night sky. I have a rich imagination–and can entertain myself with my thoughts alone. I fantasize about moving to a little town where no one knows me, buying a little house, and not having to work…I’m not rich, I’m married, have children, and work with a group of people who ignore and avoid me. I’m pretty invisible. Then when I have to work with my team–it is a nightmare for me. No one listens to me, or they tell me my idea won’t work, then later someone else brings it up…and it is the greatest idea ever! I think I read somewhere that that means you’re the person with the lowest status in the group.

I’ll admit I feel impatient–I tend to see things quickly and clearly, and it is hard to wait while people hash things out…trying to understand. I’m sure with my poor social skills my impatience shows and that I’m not always pleasant to work with.

Anyway–I am in a lot of pain. My boss seems to be giving me fewer and fewer assignments, doesn’t work with me anymore–and I read that this could mean that she’s pushing me out.

Are there people who spend most of their time alone–and lead productive lives? Are there any jobs out there that I could do all by myself?

The pain of what is going on at work is tearing me apart.

Is there a place in this world for me?

By: Ebony

Ebony — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:52:08 +0000

Hi I love this post and it helped me rethink the way my body language should be. I was recently hired at a call center part time at night while I attend school and the people have been absolutely TERRIBLE!!! It’s about 50 reps in cubicles who are miserable with life itself. I’m a happy go lucky fashion forward plus size girl who comes from a middle class family. Most of my purses are name brand like Dolce and Gabbana, Prada, Dooney and Burke, and Fendi. I didn’t know that you have to adapt to your surroundings in order to fit in I suppose. People automatically gave me the cold shoulder and weren’t very responsive when I said hello, I guess because they felt like they couldn’t identify with me. I would ask simple questions and would get snapped at, or if I attempted to sit in a available seat in which no one occupied, they would yell at me saying the seat belonged to someone else. I would walk through the rows and everyone would stare and make side bar comments. I’m Dominican, Bahamian and Jamaican and unfortunately the only group of people who I’ve found accepting and friendly have been either Caucasian or Indian. I don’t know what it is and it frustrates the hell out of me because I love PEOPLE it doesn’t matter what race but unfortunately my own ilk hates me. I tried to look in the mirror and ask my self why people would perceive me as contemptuous or supercilious when I show the upmost humility. I even tried not bringing my purses to work, dressing like them (our dress code is business casual but I just quit my job as a senior sales exec for a precious metal firm so all of my attire looks somewhat more business professional)with dress pants and sweat shirt which was really hard for me because I wouldn’t dare pair the combination together but a lot of them do that. The thing is I’ve suffered with this since I was in high school. Although I was one of the most popular girls in school because I was dancer, I still suffered with issues with some of my peers.

Let me ask you a question, can the way you dress affect the way people perceive you? What is the proper attire to wear to work? Can plus size women who dress fashionably and have confidence be perceived as haughty?

By: claire

claire — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 08:52:54 +0000

I read somewhere that 95 percent of your impressions of someone are formed in the first 5 minutes of meeting them…. just food for thought