The Mirror of Difficult People
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
Difficult people make us take a hard look at ourselves. Why can’t we get along with a certain co-worker? Why do they make us so angry?
The answers lie within us. We need to expand our awareness past the usual answers:
- S/he isn’t smart enough.
- S/he doesn’t care.
- S/he is just a jerk
We label someone as difficult because we don’t want to invest too much emotional energy into them. We try to categorize the difficult people in our lives so we don’t have to worry about what they think.
In reality we are cutting them off because we don’t want to exert extra energy. We are taking the lazy way out.
Difficult People
Slow Leadership posted an article from Peter Vajda, Are ‘Difficult’ People Really Difficult? that spurred this post. He argues that we tell ourselves stories about the people in our lives and once they are told, they become concrete. These stories are usually built on false circumstances because they are an expanded version of the truth. When you recognize these stories and learn to let go of them, You will be able to free yourself from emotional attachment.
Let’s say you meet Jim, a co-worker, on the first day of your new job. He’s in a bad mood and doesn’t respond well to your questions. It’s during this time that that we begin to create the story and idea of what a person is like. Well the night before Jim’s wife may have told him that she wanted a divorce. If you would have met Jim the day before you would have a completely different perspective on the guy. The problem is that we keep repeating this story in our head every time we have an interaction with that person.
The Stories We Weave
It’s these self made stories that stop us from connecting with people that would have become a good friend or at least someone tolerable. The true nature of an individual is revealed when confronted with difficulty, whether it be a person or a situation.
You can write that one story and stick with it or you can open your awareness to the possibility that this person holds a key to your happiness. The more mental blocks that you can unlock the easier difficult people and situations will become.
Unrelated Articles That are More Enjoyable Than Difficult People:
- Develop Your Emotional Intelligence
- Productivity at its Most Effective – When It’s Easy to Apply to Your Life
- How You Are Silently Signaling Your Co-workers to Treat You
I’ve recently been taking a hard look at situations when they come up, and telling myself that I have no idea what someone else might be going through at this moment in time. Especially if this is someone new, or someone I haven’t really connected with. The beauty of this is that, it really helps me to not hold a grudge of form an opinion too soon (usually – I’m still working on this). And that really does open up the possibilities of having a much better potential relationship.
Lance’s last blog post..Dreams For Our World
I really try not to form hard and fast opinions on someone from one-off meetings. Instead, I try to invest the energy over a period of time to get a better picture of that person. It’s true though, once I have deemed someone to be difficult, I find it very hard to dredge up the energy to work with them. I used to be able to, but I guess I am being more particular about what/whom I expend energy on.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Cut and run
Hey Lance, when we try to stay aware of the many perspectives in any given interaction it makes it easier ot suspend our judgements.
Hey Urban Panther, there is a reason we become wiser as we age. We learn when to form bonds and when to let go. Sometimes it’s not worth our energy to invest in someone that won’t give back .
Hi there Karl – great points! We really can change our work relationships by deliberately trying to see certain people in a different light, I think. I also work with the idea of attracting the people that suit me, to work with – in the past I was in work situations I was best out of.
Robin’s last blog post..On Overcoming Obstacles
Hi Karl,
I agree, we do need to show a little more empathy toward people when we meet them for the first time. We’re not always able to present our best selves, and neither are others.
I say, give everyone a chance.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Plugins, Questions and Open Mic
I definitely give folks the benefit of the doubt if we don’t click right away. I’m reserved, so I don’t always make a great impression myself. People who give me a bad feeling, though, they usually have to earn my trust, though I’m happy to be friendly and helpful in the meantime.
Sara at On Simplicity’s last blog post..Three Things You’d Save in an Emergency
Hey Robin, when we know who we like to work with it makes getting projects done a lot easier.
Hey Barbara, empathy is one of the greatest emotional tools any human possesses.
Hey Sara, you’re right. When we realize that we don’t always make a good impression then we can be easier on others who may be similar.
That’s a good point: how we perceive other people is basically the story we’re telling ourselves about that person. Sometimes you need to look at a person a little closer in order to notice details you missed before and rewrite the character you’ve created in your head to represent that person.
Marelisa’s last blog post..15 Brain Hacks – Gym and Spa for Your Brain
What happens when you’re the one being perceived as the difficult person? I have been dealing with chronic pain for the last 2 years, severe enough that it prohibits me from working sometimes, and I take time-release morphine just so I can work.
My coworkers take everything personal, if I am not a bright shining Ray of sunshine every day of my life. It has gotten to a point where they all hate me. We used to be a close knit group.
I don’t know whqt to do. I try very hard to tread lightly, to not say anything that could be mistaken for something else, but it never seems to improve. I am a hard worker, and I have been with my company for a long time )15 years). It really depresses me.